matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
