So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
