Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
