Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
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Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
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Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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