friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
