I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
