I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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