Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
