Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
