Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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