what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
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No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
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I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
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