I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
