I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
