Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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