he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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