Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
