Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
