Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
