ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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