it's too hot outside to masturbate.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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