we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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