Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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