She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
