Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
