I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
