Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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