Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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