bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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