It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
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I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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