Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
