I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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