I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
