I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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