you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
