so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
