my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
