I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
