Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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