My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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