How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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