Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize