ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
