cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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