better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
