I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
