I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
