Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
