Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
