I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
