his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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