this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
