babies were throwing up all over the place
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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