btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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