Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
