Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
