if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Don't EVER smell your tampon
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
